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The Interpersonal Approach to Conflict

 

Perhaps if everyone agreed on the best way to view conflict, there would be less of it. The reality is that different orientations to conflict may result in more conflict. We are going to identify now five different types of conflict and some strategies for responding to conflict.

 

Types of Conflict

 

There are many different types of conflict, and we may manage these types in different ways. These categories include:

■ Affective conflict

■ Conflict of interest

■ Value conflict

■ Cognitive conflict

■ Goal conflict

Affective conflict occurs when individuals become aware that their feelings and emotions are incompatible. For example, suppose an individual finds that his or her romantic love for a close friend is not reciprocated. The disagreement over their different levels of affection causes conflict.

A conflict of interest describes a situation in which people have incompatible preferences for a course of action or plan to pursue. For example, one student described an ongoing conflict with an ex-girlfriend:

The conflicts always seem to be a jealousy issue or a controlling issue, where even though we are not going out anymore, both of us still try to control the other's life to some degree. You could probably see that this is a conflict of interest.

Another example of conflict of interest is when parents disagree on the appropriate curfew time [the time they must be at home in the evening] for their children.

Value conflict, a more serious type, occurs when people differ in ideologies on specific issues. Mario and Melinda have been dating for several months and are starting to argue frequently about their religious views, particularly on abortion. Melinda wants to have a choice. Mario, a devout Catholic, is opposed to abortion under any circumstances. This situation illustrates value conflict.

Cognitive conflict describes a situation in which two or more people become aware that their thought processes or perceptions are incongruent [cannot be compared]. For example, Mary and Jack argue frequently about whether Mary's friend Bob is paying too much attention to her; Jack suspects that Bob really wants a sexual encounter with Mary. Their different perceptions of the situation constitute cognitive conflict.

Goal conflict occurs when people disagree about a preferred outcome or end state. Mike and Susan, who have been married for 10 years, have just bought a house. Mike wants to furnish the house slowly, making sure that money goes into the savings account for retirement. Susan wants to furnish the house immediately, using money from their savings. Their individual goals are in conflict with each other.

Strategies and Tactics

 

The ways in which people respond to conflict may be influenced by their cultural backgrounds. Most people deal with conflict in the way they learned while growing up and watching those around them deal with contentious situations. Conflict strategies usually consider how people manage self-image in relational settings. For example, they may prefer to preserve their own self-esteem rather than help the other person save face.

Although individuals may have a general predisposition to deal with conflict in particular ways, they may choose different tactics in different situations. People are not necessarily locked into a particular style of conflict strategy. There are at least five specific styles of managing conflicts (Rahim, 1986). These styles include

■ Dominating

■ Integrating

■ Compromising

■ Obliging

■ Avoiding

The dominating stylereflects a high concern for the self and a low concern for others. It has been identified with a win-lose orientation or with forcing behavior to win one's position. The behaviors associated with this style include loud and forceful expressiveness, which may be counterproductive to conflict resolution. However, this view may reflect a Eurocentric bias, because members of some cultural groups (including African Americans) see these behaviors as appropriate in many contexts (Speicher, 1994).

The integrating stylereflects high concern for both the self and the other person and involves an open and direct exchange of information in an attempt to reach a solution that is acceptable to both parties in the conflict. This style is seen as effective in most conflicts because it attempts to be fair and equitable. It assumes collaboration, empathy, objectivity, recognition of feelings, and creative solutions. However, it requires a lot of time and energy (Folger, Poole, & Stutman, 1993).

The compromising stylereflects a moderate degree of concern for the self and others. This style involves sharing and exchanging information in such a way that both individuals give up something to find a mutually acceptable solution. Sometimes this style is less effective than the integrating approach because people feel forced to give up something they value and so have less commitment to the solution.

The obliging styledescribes a situation in which one person in the conflict plays down the differences and incompatibilities and emphasizes commonalities that satisfy the concerns of the other person. Obliging may be most appropriate when one person is more concerned with the future of the relationship than with the issues. This is often true of hierarchical relationships in which one person has more status or power than the other.

Finally, the avoiding stylereflects a low concern for the self and others. In the dominant U.S. cultural contexts, a person who uses this style attempts to withdraw, sidestep, deny, and bypass the conflict. However, in some cultural contexts, this is an appropriate strategy style that, if used by both parties, may result in more harmonious relationships.

There are many reasons that we tend to prefer a particular conflict style in our interactions. A primary influence is our family background; some families prefer a particular conflict style, and children come to accept this style as normal. The family may have settled conflict in a dominating way, with the person having the strongest argument (or muscle) getting his or her way.

Sometimes people try very hard to reject the conflict styles they saw their parents using. Consider the following two examples.

(1) Bill remembers hearing his parents argue long and loud, and his father often used a dominating style of conflict management. He vowed he would never deal with conflict that way in his own family, and he has tried very hard to use other ways of dealing with conflicts when they arise in his family.

(2) Stephanie describes how she has changed her style of dealing with conflict as she grew older:

I think as a child I was taught to ignore conflict and especially to not cause conflict. When I was growing up, I saw my mom act this way toward my father and probably learned that women were supposed to act this way toward men. As a teenager I figured out that this just wasn't how I wanted to be. Now I like conflict, not too much of it, but I definitely cannot ignore conflict. I have to deal with it or else I will worry about it. So I deal with it and get it over with.

 

It is important to recognize that people use a variety of ways to deal with conflict. People do not have the same reasons for using the conflict management styles that they choose. These five styles offer some options. Continuing with our interpersonal approach to conflict, let's examine the effect of different aspects of culture on conflict management.

 

Gender, Ethnicity and Conflict

 

We’ll now discuss the ways in which gender and ethnicity influence how we handle conflict. Many studies have shown that men and women have different communication styles. Communication between men and women can be like cross cultural communication, with different purposes, rules, and ways of interpreting rules. These different ways of speaking sometimes lead to conflict and can influence how men and women handle conflict.

Differences in conversational style that lead to misinterpretation and conflict include different ways of showing support. For example, sometimes women make sympathetic noises in response to what a friend says, whereas men say nothing, to show respect for independence. Women may interpret men's silence as not caring. Another area of misinterpretation is the reaction to "troubles talk." Typically, women express sympathy by talking about a similar situation they experienced. However, men who follow rules for conversational dominance interpret this as stealing the stage. Another difference occurs in telling stories. Men tend to be more linear and straightforward in their storytelling; women tend to give more details and offer information, which men interpret as an inability to get to the point.

Men and women also often misinterpret relationship talk. Women may express more interest in the relationship process and may feel better just discussing it. Men who are problem-solving oriented may see little point in discussing something if nothing is identified as needing fixing (Wood, 1994: 145-148).

The relationship between ethnicity, gender, and conflict communication is even more complex. Do males and females of different ethnic backgrounds prefer different ways of dealing with conflict? It is important to remember that, whereas ethnicity and gender may be related to ways of dealing with conflict, it is inappropriate (and inaccurate) to assume that any one person will behave in a particular way because of his or her ethnicity or gender.

We often do not know which cultural attitudes are important to others until we do something that violates those expectations. As this example shows, jokes are not always simply jokes, but indicators of more deeply held cultural attitudes.

My intercultural conflict was between my family, being Roman Catholic, and that of my ex-boyfriend of two years, who was Jewish. My family is one of those Catholic families that only really considers practicing at Christmas and Easter. I never thought that religion was a big deal until I started dating someone who was not even Christian. I had remembered overhearing my parents talk about inter-religious relationships. They used to joke around with me (or so I thought) about bringing home Jewish boys from college. So at first when I started to date Shaun, I didn't tell my parents he was Jewish until about three months into the relationship. My mother, being the outspoken one in the family, had a fit, saying that if I married a Jewish man that I would be excommunicated from the Catholic Church and basically go to Hell! My dad, who isn't much of a talker, didn't say much, except that he never asked about Shaun, when in my previous relationships he usually gave me the third degree [= asked very detailed questions]. — Dana (Source: Martin & Nakayama, 2000: 299)

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